Lately, I've been thinking about love. Not in a dreamy, idealistic way — but in a real, grounded, slightly tired way.
I just came from Bangkok. Songkran. It was one of those experiences that reminds you how alive you are. The kind where everything feels full — the people, the energy, the memories. And in the middle of all that, I met someone.
It lasted five days.
It was real. At least, it felt real.
We connected, we were present, we shared something. And then he went back home... and something shifted. Just like that, it ended.
And now I'm here, sitting with two truths at the same time:
I'm grateful.
And I'm tired.
I've always been someone who loves deeply.
When I feel something, I don't hold back. I'm present. I listen. I care. I try to understand people, to meet them where they are. I don't play games. I don't do surface-level connection well.
And for a long time, I thought that was just who I am — and that I should never change that.
I still believe that.
But I'm starting to realize something else too.
Loving deeply isn't the problem.
Giving it all away too quickly is.
I used to think that being "myself" meant being fully open right away. If I felt a connection, I leaned into it. I gave my attention, my energy, my care — because that's what felt honest.
But what I'm learning now is that honesty doesn't have to mean immediacy.
There's a difference between being open… and giving full access.
Not everyone who walks into your life is ready, able, or willing to hold the depth you carry. And when you give that depth too early, you don't just risk losing them — you end up losing pieces of your energy along the way.
That's where the tiredness comes from.
Not from loving.
From over-investing.
Dating today feels harder than it used to.
There are more options. More distractions. More ways to connect — and more ways to disappear.
People come in easily.
But they don't always stay.
And it can make you wonder if something's wrong with you.
But I'm starting to see it differently.
It's not that I'm "too much."
It's that I've been giving too much, too soon.
I don't want to change who I am.
I don't want to become cold, detached, or guarded.
That's not me. That's never been me.
I still want to:
love deeply
be present
care fully
show up as myself
But now, I want to do it with awareness.
I'm learning to let things build.
To feel a connection… and not immediately decide it means something.
To enjoy someone's presence… without giving them access to all of me right away.
To stay open… while also paying attention.
Because real connection isn't proven in moments.
It's revealed over time.
I used to believe that if something felt real, it was meant to grow.
Now I believe:
something can be real… and still not be meant to stay.
And that doesn't make it a failure.
It just means it was what it was.
If I'm honest, I still want love.
Not the chaotic kind. Not the confusing kind.
I want something calm.
Steady.
Mutual.
A companion. Someone to share life with — not someone I have to figure out.
And I know now that kind of love doesn't come from giving everything immediately.
It comes from:
pace
discernment
and choosing someone who can meet me where I am
I don't need to love less.
I just need to love in a way that also protects me.
So if you're like me — someone who feels deeply, who loves fully, who shows up with their whole heart —
maybe the answer isn't to change who you are.
Maybe it's just to remember:
Your depth is not something to give away all at once.
It's something to be discovered… by the right person, over time.
And until then, I'll keep living.
I'll keep feeling.
I'll keep loving.
Just a little more wisely this time.